There comes a time in a grown man’s life when he has to take responsibility for himself. He has to look himself in the mirror and really identify his own weaknesses. He must discover the things he lacks, and really be honest with himself about why he lacks those things. Is it genetic? Is it lack of opportunity? Is it straightforward laziness?
I’ve recently had such a “stare down session” with myself. I really didn’t like the results, but that’s kind of the point. It doesn’t feel good to realize you’re not a demi-god capable of anything, to realize you’re a flawed human being, just like every other person on this planet. In fact, it stings quite a bit.
I get sick more often than some other people because I really don’t take care of myself. I eat crap food, I don’t excercise like I should (despite paying a premium for a gym membership and playing hockey & soccer fairly regularly), and I drink more than I should instead of getting the sleep my body needs. Junk food is easier, and booze is fun. Lazy. I’m lazy.
I walk around with an aire of confidance and power. Inside, I’m scared and vulnerable like anyone else. I have regrets, fears, things I live with on a daily basis, that make me wonder if I’m really a good person. I have done things in my life that I’m not proud of. Those things affected other people. Those people deserved an apology, and most of them never got one. I’m not going to go back and apologize to each one individually. Honestly, that’d take way too long.
So, consider this a mass apology. If I have wronged you in any way and you feel like you never got the apology you should have, know that I (as a human being) have learned from, and will continue to learn from, that mistake. Should you feel so inclined, you can send me an email and I’ll reply promptly.
People make bad choices. Good people and bad people. The difference between the good ones and the bad ones is that the good folks learn from those mistakes and experiences and endeavor to not repeat them. I am a good person. I have done some bad things, and I’ll live with them as reminders of how to treat others better than I have in the past.
It is just that though, meaning it’s ‘the past’. It’s behind me. I’m moving forward. I fall down a lot as a person, but getting back up is a thing that I can do. I can pick myself up off the ground and take another step forward, without forgetting what it was that made me fall in the first place. That’s how I can see myself as a good person.